• Ice Record

    Goodnight, by The Beatles. It was just a song you played me once,
    with the blinds up so we could see the moon like a penny over the
    cold sea. I took the record; made a mould of every bump and groove,
    then filled the mould with water and froze it. The ice record was
    perfect. I dropped the needle and ghosts hummed out across the
    decades. But like you, it was gone before I was ready for-

    Wendy Chard
  • The grey portrait

    Billie is sitting on a navy blue wood-chipped bench and tea is dribbling from her mouth, little by little the entire contents of her forest green paper cup is falling into her lap and there is now a puddle of saliva infested tea soaking through her grey trousers. Her head is raised, poised in the air, watching the old man with the colour grey painted between his wrinkles. Billies eyes bore into his, following Point A to Point B of the sunken yellow valley below his eyes. There are sprinkles and sprinkles of tiny grey hairs resting above his lips; Billie does not know if it is the remnants of a moustache or if it has fallen from his nose.

    Billie now stares at all of the man she can see in front her, looking beyond the grey portrait and drilling her eyes into his past life, the life that is living behind every orange white patch of skin, the life that his hidden behind his freckled forehead, behind his tired eyes. Billie closes her eyes for a long moment and creates a moving picture of his life: a man and a woman kissing, tongues drenched spit clinging to each other tightly. The woman is sighing, squeezing his back repeatedly and waiting for his arms to embrace her body – he does not and instead remains rooted to the ground, hands glued to his sides, only tongue moving.

    The old man stands, he waits for only a moment and walks away from the navy blue wood-chipped bench. Billie sees the loneliness painted on the grey portrait and sighs, the old man’s past life still tiptoeing across her mind. She wonders who he is and who the girl was, she wonders if he ever did fully embrace her, fully move with her body, fully love her, fully kiss her. She wonders too much for a person who does not know the old man’s name. The forest green paper cup falls carelessly to floor and Billie begins to dab at the puddle of tea soaking through her grey trousers.

    Oyinda Yemi-Omowumi
  • Slapstick Homelife

    Where is my self respect?
    Where is my aftershave?
    Where is my gel douche?
    Where is my happy day?

    I wish I had spent all my pointless time doing pointless things on YouTube

    I’m hungry I am
    I’m tired I am
    I’m old enough to know better I am
    I’m young enough to still have to try

    I wish I had spent all my pointless time doing pointless things on YouTube

    Say what you will, Alex Zane has a fan base
    I measure my impact in layers of dust
    I’m gonna bookend all my falls with adverts
    Let my humiliations earn my crust

    I wish I had spent all my pointless time doing pointless things on YouTube

    All those wasted years tripping over off camera
    Next time my heart sinks please God let my bank balance rise
    All those wasted years living off one way shit karma
    Now it’s twenty pence a click every time a little something inside me dies

    I wish I had put all my pointless time into doing pointless things on YouTube

    Got to make my failures pay

    W Henry
  • Untitled (political)

    “Check this out”

    Steven wasn’t concentrating on the class work they’d been set.

    “Ben, check this out”

    Now Ben wasn’t concentrating, he hadn’t really been able to concentrate since the shuffle around in 6Bs seating plan. Miss Boronsko had made the switch from alphabetical to a more culturally diverse spreading of age order within the year six class. “No more Mohammed’s in the middle” was the chant, Miss B was actually a bit nervous at the racist-sounding-ness of the slogan but persevered nonetheless. Although I mean she hadn’t even said it out loud but you know, ‘NSA’ etc.

    Whipping out his new Casio FX-115MS-SC-UH and handing it to Ben, Steven began;

    “So you take the number of potential puns about UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon’s name made on the internet and World of Warcraft.”

    “Right.” Ben tapped away.

    “Divided by the number of closeted dick jokes ready to go to print by DMG media.”

    “Wait, is this going to be political?”

    Stephen assured him it was.

    Ben continued tapping.

    “Add 5″


    “Now, multiply by the current levels of radiation at the geographical centre, ground zero if you will, of the Chernobyl disaster and add the first number.”

    “OK, is this going to carry on much long…” Ben’s voice trailed off has he hit enter.

    He’d never expected this, this was big.

    The answer? 80085.

    Joshua T Howell
  • Eternal Bindings

    Professor Ramon. Expert in eternal bindings.

    Eternal binds. Attraction. Sweeten. Subdue. Domination. “Magic rituals and spells to attract the loved one” I am the solution to your love, financial and work problems!

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    New talisman, super powerful and luck perfume, money and fortune. $799 including shipping. I have the ritual to attract the opposite sex. Allow happiness to arrive in your life, attract the love, the money, the luck and the fortune. Call now my consultation is free. Distance card reading know your future

    Free reading! Free reading! Mexico 01 (81) 1506-6517 USA 01152 Cel: 81-1075-6801

    Maru Rojas
  • Avion Paris

    Ce matin, tu as dû te réveiller tôt.

    J’étais encore dans ton lit
    tournée vers le mur
    roulée en boule sous ta couette,

    j’avais chaud même si j’étais nue.

    Tu t’es allongé contre moi
    ton bras frais m’enveloppait.
    La peau de mon corps
    qui était découverte,
    a eu des frissons.

    On était triste de se quitter,

    Je me suis levée,
    tu m’as serré fort dans tes bras,

    Je n’ai pas réalisé que c’était la fin.

    Charlotte Beltzung

    I followed you down, Regent Street
    Admiring, assessing, head to feet

    Well contoured curves, shiny hair
    Tailored skirt, straining buttock pair

    Moving level. A firm, tight breast
    Careful jewellery, skin sun-blessed

    Raised my eyes, nervous, shock
    For you my love were a BOBFOC

    Jerry Turner
  • Originality

    I was the first person ever to think ‘no thought is truly original’, which was weird because not only was it a brilliant point, it was also rendered completely invalid by its originality.

    Mansour Chow
  • Spooning

    roses are red
    biolets are vlue
    we spoon alot,
    because i love you.

    Floe Collins
  • Celebrity Chefs

    What would Jamie Oliver say
    if he saw you eating that?
    He’d probably talk about olive oil
    and lemon.
    Lemon is fresh as a baby.
    When a baby laughs
    I feel like I’m swimming in lemon
    and a healthy lime.

    Nigella would say ‘Ooh,
    I know I shouldn’t
    but I just can’t resist.’
    She would lick the mixture off the spoon
    with a cat’s tongue.
    The chocolate tastes like velvet curtains
    that are held back
    with ropes and tassels and adjectives.

    Ramsay wouldn’t give a shit
    but his kitchen is cleaner than mine.

    Lewis Coffey
  • Cake

    He licked his lips as he moved the cake closer to his mouth,
    His heart raced and his hands went clammy with excitement,
    Simon grinned as the powdered sugar glistened in the sunlight, he took his first bite,
    and the jam dribbled out like a young Ryan Giggs penetrating a Coventry defence.

    Adam J. Ordinary
  • Thousands and Thousands of Chairs

    A man called William is standing in the space that belongs to the yellow door. Beyond him there are thousands and thousands of chairs; there are so many chairs that his brain, my brain, your brain cannot even begin to count them. Our brains would not even attempt to count them because they all share the fear of the pink and the blood splattered everywhere. The amount of chairs in the room beyond the yellow door Is overwhelming and William will sit down on one, William will sit down in an empty room and disturb the emptiness of the thousands and thousands of chairs with bare fronts. I am thinking that one human soul sat down on an inanimate object which is then surrounded by thousands and thousands of inanimate objects is scary. One human soul is that room is all you, me and William are aware of, that soul is William, except once William has sat down I wonder if he will question “the human soul”. I wonder if the emptiness of everything he sees will make William doubt his own humanity, I wonder if the thought of all these thousands and thousands of chairs also having human souls will bury itself in William’s mind. I wonder how you measure a human soul. William wonders how you measure a human soul. Do you wonder how you measure a human soul. Is it you? Is it William? Is it me?

    Oyinda Yemi-Omowumi
  • Here

    I grew up in darkness and stars.
    They might be old and familiar
    but they were different:
    black and bright; burning, cold; clear-cut.

    It’s never dark in this city.
    Nothing’s black and white;
    it’s just murky.
    The birds think it’s dawn
    when it’s streetlights at midnight.
    Artificial heat turns winter to autumn.
    Everything’s half-done.

    I mention this to you one night
    before bed. You roll your eyes to the back of your head
    and switch off the light.

    Charlotte Powell
  • Keyboard Slide

    “be my bride”,
    he cried
    but to no avail.
    his request denied
    with nowhere to hide
    unable to debride
    he traveled worldwide
    his wounded pride
    to salvage

    he groaned he moaned
    and agonized and why’d
    in terms of emotion
    he was oversupplied
    his insides hog-tied
    filleted and hung out to dry

    one day
    during a longish car ride
    he eyed the view
    and thusly spied
    a dewy cobweb
    glimmering and wide
    a tree bestride

    he attempted to deride
    but with a start, realized
    i lived
    i loved
    i tried
    es tut mir nicht leid
    (he’d had some free time
    to study German)

    at this point,
    the writer rubbed his eyes,
    and went off to the loo
    to commit well-deserved suicide.

    Priya Slayer
  • Does This Count As Meditation?

    I am thinking about the people who are sitting on that fast train that just went by in the distance, and the fact that some of those people are probably gazing out of their windows and looking at the same low sun as I am, and some of the same fields and trees and maybe even houses. And maybe some of those people are thinking about the people in those houses who are sitting in the last rays of sun of the day and looking out at the low sun and the fields and the trees, thinking their own thoughts about the people who love them or the people who don’t love them back or what they are going to have for dinner. And just maybe, some of those other people sitting outside their houses in the last rays of sunshine of the day, like me, are thinking about those people on that fast train that just went by in the distance.

    Poppy Turner
  • Pint of Milk

    I’m just a lonely pint of milk,
    I stand outside the door.
    It isn’t quite so lonely, when the
    customer wants some more.
    For then I have companions
    and we have a chance to talk.
    And looking at the people who pass,
    we can watch the way they walk.
    But how I wish when empty,
    you would wash me nice and clean,
    ‘Cause when I am cloudy,
    I’m ashamed of being seen.
    So please remember Ladies,
    before you put me out,
    Give me a rinse, so I can be,
    proud to stand about.

    Anne-Marie Hedinger
  • New Abode

    Goodbye to the cobwebs, that gathered dust
    with their static clinging, hanging like sailors
    ropes, the filth their devoted mollusks.

    Goodbye to the threadbare carpets, that gave a
    clear view of the floor boards, their perfect lines
    like a summer garden, laid out with turf, the broken
    cassettes, cigarette burns, rusted cans and two year
    old birthday cards its blossoming flowers.

    Goodbye to the lounge, with vast fortunes of copper
    that fell behind each seat, the patter of falling plaster
    like lazy April hail, that falls in time with the creak
    of each door, the drop of every tap.

    Goodbye to the evenings blazed in smog, our voices
    like the lights that hung bare, our hands too lazy to
    dress them with shade. Our palms however, never empty,
    with prayers among dust; goodbye to childhood.

    Jonathan Butcher
  • @martinadams

    Martin Adams hired a black Ferrari for 24 hours,
    He instagrammed over 2000 photographs that day,
    and entered over a million hashtags,
    By the evening he had lost all of his followers.

    Adam J. Ordinary
  • Sunday Afternoon

    We used fingers and thumbs,
    hands squeezing bums,
    but no tongues
    in and around delicate places,
    just in and out of each
    other’s faces.
    It was fun,
    something to do on a
    Sunday afternoon.

    Kat Franceska
  • Carrot

    You & I shall create a person.
    As acting cruel God, I will beset him with a toothache; rendering most thoughts
    metaphysical & esoteric the best part of redundant.
    You could put her in a beat up & battered pair of german paratrooper boots, a size
    too small, if you so wished.
    Akin to many of life’s fortunates, I shall make him of mixed-race parentage: Father
    of Polish extraction? A sturdy & stern, upright & downright political animal of a man
    from Lower Silesia. A slow-burning splenetic to boot, perhaps?
    Now for her Mother – a Ceutan? Yes! A blithe & libidinous ochre flame made
    feminine by flesh. To be near her is to be in the presence of one of Mother Nature’s
    favoured daughters. An obscure descendant of Ammi-Saduqa, no less.
    Let’s score in some rudimental sensibility for him. We can make her favourite joke,
    in its contextual entirity be: “Mam angielsku zagadke dla ciebie! Co to jest pomarancza,
    i brzmi jak papuga?………MARCHEWKA!”. After you translate this to English, shake your
    head & ask him why – she blushes & would like to change the subject.
    Time to send our man forth to stumble & gawk in the labyrinthine corridors of the
    collective mind.
    Paying no attention to the pattern (which you quite like for its Art Nouveau qualities) on
    the path-worn carpet, she has picked up pace now & if she had not of spent most of
    the quarter-mile walked assessing & cursing her footwear, she’d have noticed that
    every fifth door to her left is painted a pillar box red & ajar.
    Bored of this, I have him stop, turn to his right & come face to face with a diesel-blue,
    riveted metal door with CALIGULA ROOM scratched upon its surface.

    wes cooke
  • Cats Know What’s What

    The cat has turned
    her back
    on the tidings
    of Magpies
    high up on the roof.
    She has concerned herself
    with paw licking and
    catching the last
    rays of summer
    It’s all about
    Wood Pigeons
    these days

    Joanne McLaughlin
  • Pat Sharp’s Mullet

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    went solo years ago

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    now lives in Mexico

    Pat Sharp’s mullet,
    his middle name is Trouble

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    is a highly paid stunt double

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    saunters when on set

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    lives life with no regret

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    wears Primark never Prada

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    drives a clapped out, old blue Lada

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    likes sushi, coq au vin

    Pat Sharp’s mullet
    is a ruthless ladies man

    Wesley Cooke
  • After a long run of hard luck…

    … Anton won big at the casino. Let’s not get specific but it was a life-changing amount; more than enough. Anton didn’t have to take his own life, but the fact remains that this is what he did. Is it important to know why? Is it of interest? Perhaps and perhaps. He was a roulette aficionado if anything, but triumphed on the blackjack table. The rope was already coiled up in a cupboard back home. Make of that what you will because who keeps rope in their home anymore? I myself will probably go that way some day, but not like that, how Anton did it. He might have abandoned the game halfway through but for he caught a lucky break, being dealt a run of hands so winning that they beamed. By the end of the night he’d won, he calculated, more money than he’d ever put into the whole venture. The rope was long, longer than him and it was thick, like gym rope in a school. It’s hard to say how he was feeling as he turned in his cards. He had to loop it though a fixture in the ceiling and when it came down it piled handsomely upon the floor. The chips took some time to count out, stringent checks were performed upon his ID and there was a moment where he thought he was never going to be allowed to leave. Priapism is a common side- or after-effect. He exchanged a small amount of chips for cash and the rest was wired to his bank. A cab took him back home where he loosened his tie, poured himself a drink and sat down to take in the enormity of things. After that, well. After that is after that and we all know what happened next.

    JL Bogenschneider